Cried today

The first couple weeks of covid, I cried all the time. It was so painful and exhausting having covid, having to work for every breath. I also felt so much shame and embarrassment asking for constant help, when I’m usually so independent.

I felt frustration (sometimes I still do) that my friends or others wouldn’t believe me, how bad it was. I think many didn’t until they heard about my worsening pneumonia and enlarged aorta, in my heart, caused by covid.

Today, my friend told me that for some people, it’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they are too fearful or overwhelmed to reach out. Lots of people are barely hanging on emotionally, so they aren’t able to reach out to sick friends, like me.

I hadn’t cried in probably a week and half or 2 weeks until today. I just started sobbing thinking about how lucky I am to be improving so much and how I probably won’t (fingers crossed) have permanent damage to my organs.

I also started sobbing after reading a young special ed teacher’s story with covid. She’s had it over 65 days now, she on oxygen, horrible rashes everywhere, shingles, and her fever is often 104 or more.

She posted her story and it became viral with tens of thousands of views. This resulted in thousands of conservative sociopaths commenting horrible things and making threatening comments on all her posts.

This poor women is practically on her death bed, showing pictures of all her rashes, her blood pressure, temperature, oxygen and people are calling her a liar or “a plant for the Democratic Party.”

How awful are these people. I can’t imagine what this women is going through. I reached out to her to see if there’s anything I can do for her.

I believe I’m on day 44-58 of covid now. I’ve improved so much over the past few days. Weeks ago, I couldn’t walk more than 2 steps, and my heart rate would triple. Now, I’m able to walk downstairs to my backyard.

Often, my heart rate will double, probably because my enlarged ascending aorta in my heart and my lungs are still healing. I’m going to attempt to walk a block tomorrow with a friend (so he can carry me if I get stuck).

My oxygen has been pretty good. I still have to watch it because sometimes it’ll still drop when lying down, walking or talking too much. Usually a few times a night it’ll drop 4-6%.

My worst issue the past 3 days has been the lymph nodes on my neck killing me and my insomnia. Nothing has really been helping my lymph nodes. I’ve tried just about everything.

After being sick for so long, you worry people stop caring that you are sick. It means so much when people do simple things like simple texts asking how you are, sending funny memes, etc.

I’ve really learned who my closest friends and family are during this illness. Unfortunately, I’ve also learned which people only care about me for my political work and “output,” rather than me as a human.

Overall, I am beyond overwhelmed by the outpouring of love by most my friends, family, acquaintances, other activists and strangers. You all are the ones who have helped me heal. ❤️

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